Adjustment and Attachment are Different

It's hard.  I'm not one to sugar-coat much.  I pretty much tell it like it is.  We've been home for a little more than a week and I guess we're far enough out that I can look back on the past week and evaluate.  It's been rough at times and it's been fun at times.

I'm tired.  Between the exhaustion of the trip, reestablishing routines at home, teaching Silas how to actually nap on a schedule, going to doctor appointments for him, getting Cooper to school and back, trying to teach him about his brother and that he's really okay, putting out his fits of jealousy, and keeping up with a crawler who is into everything, my sleep is well earned.  So, for the many of you who have asked, yes, we're adjusting quite well.  I'm pretty sure Cooper was afraid of Silas for a while.  I just think he had no idea what to think about/do with him.  Every day gets better and after a week, I think they really do love each other.  It's sweet.  Learning Silas and forming routines has been hard but we're just about there.  That part gets better every day as well.  He's a good baby!  Slowly, we're settling in and I have to remind myself it's only been a week.  It's not like we've had the opportunity with Silas to have him as a newborn and sleep most of the day so that Cooper could get used to having someone else in the house.  He came to us b-u-s-y!

If you have called or sent a message this past week and it hasn't been returned, please know I'm not ignoring anyone.  I'm just trying to focus on my household.  I'll get back with you when I get a moment.  :)

While we're adjusting quickly, the attachment process may take a bit longer.  Don't get me wrong, Silas knows his mama and daddy-but there's a difference between knowing us and wanting us over others and then really having a true bond with us.  I'm thankful to have gone to Ethiopia a few days early to begin the attachment process with him.  We had almost a week with him before we got home.  We decided to cancel a few outings to just stay in with him and get to know him.  Staying in one simple room with him where he had us meeting his every need immediately helped earn his trust in us before we began our trek home.

He's been through a lot in his 10 short months-lived with mother for approx. 3 mo-moved to rural orphanage for a few days-moved to House of Hope transition home for 6 months-stayed with us at the Ethiopian Guest Home for a week-now home with us.  This is much more trauma/transition most of us experience in a lifetime. From caregiver to caregiver and new surroundings is very confusing.  Right now, our focus needs to be making him realize we are his only caregivers...not only that, but we are his family.  Coming from an orphanage, he has no concept of family.

This week we have been trying to keep things as normal as possible for Cooper, yet watching Silas for signs of being overwhelmed.  We've stayed around the house, kept visitors at an absolute minimum, and gone to church.  He hasn't shown me that he's overwhelmed, but we know we're not there yet with attachment.  If we seem more secluded than normal, this is for the benefit of our family.  We've done a lot of education through the past year that has taught us how to deal with bonding and what to look for.  Experts know children from orphanage settings are known to be very pleasing, even babies, and will form artificial attachments with adults so that their needs may be met.  We know Silas will smile at and go to just about anyone.  He's a happy baby.  So many people at church have commented on how well he's adjusted and how he just loves everyone.  To most, this seems great.  To me, this isn't a comforting sign.  He should be at the 'separation anxiety' stage and right now, he could care less if he's taken away from me when there are other smiling faces around.

While in public I like to keep him in my Moby Wrap to keep his proximity close yet comfortable.  But this also allows him to interact with others without the temptation to hold him.  Many of you may see our actions with him in the coming weeks as spoiling him, or even silly.  That's fine.  We'll continue as we planned.  Justin and I will be the ones to do the majority of holding, and we will do all of the feeding, diaper changes, comforting, and putting to sleep.  As Silas' needs are repeatedly met by us and only us his trust in us grows and the bond is strengthened.  In a way we are recreating a newborn situation.  We don't want him to look to others for comfort right now.  We want him to know he can rely on us.  We are seeing signs that we're moving in the right direction, but like I've said, we've still got a way to go.  Please pray that we continue in the right direction in loving our sweet Silas.  He's so precious to us!

As always, if you have any questions, please let us know!  We'll be happy to answer them.

I guess it's time to start writing about our trip.  I'll try to start posting a day-by-day soon.